Why do I pretend to myself?

Why don't I want to be skinny?

I am for ever trying to pretend that I want to lose weight but if I truly wanted to lose weight then no food would be good enough because I wouldn't need it as I would want to be thin.

My friend has lost over 12 kgs and I am so jealous and I should be happy for her as she is doing it.  I feel like because she has lost the weight that I have been cheated some how but really I have cheated myself so it is my fault.

I have gone back on the Weight Watcher online plan and have stayed consistently within my points for 6 days now.  WW have these blue dots on the days that you have kept within the points range and I have done that for 6 days and it feels good.

Tuesday 25 April 2017 my weight was 144 kgs (316.8 pounds) and by next Tuesday for my weigh in I want to be 143.3 (315.26 pounds) or less.  700 grams a week will get me to the goal I want as I realistically I can't lose more than that every single week as my body even when I am being right on track just doesn't do that every week.

I want to try.... I want to be happy in my skin again.

Today's weigh in was 133.1 kgs (which is fantastic but I also know it isn't Tuesday yet so I might not be this weight then.  (900 grams is great for me)

Got up late this morning 10.30 as it is Sunday and felt rotten when I got up as I had bad dreams and my back and legs felt terrible when I awoke.  I hate that.  Being fat does that to me.

When I got downstairs I had a Facebook chat from a workmate asking if I wanted to go to a funeral of our workmates mother and I had to say yes.  I would want people to support me if something happened to my family.  It was a interesting funeral (Tangi in Maori) as I didn't understand a word they had said at the Tangi but it was beautiful the tradition that went on.  Our workmate was so happy to see us and I think a little surprised to see me as I am not working downstairs with them anymore but I still consider then my workmates and miss all terribly.  I love my job but don't trust the people upstairs like I trust the people downstairs in my old job.

There were lots of family and all happy to be with everyone there and just to be.  To eat food and drink tea and just be in the time and space they were in right now.

I would like life to be like that where we could just be and not worry about what others are thinking or saying.  I want to read a book by the fireplace and have a good wine.

So I need to make sure I type in here every day and keep myself accountable.

I know that people may never read this but I need to get it out as before when I lost a lot of weight I found it helpful to get it off my chest.