Why do I pretend to myself?

Why don't I want to be skinny?

I am for ever trying to pretend that I want to lose weight but if I truly wanted to lose weight then no food would be good enough because I wouldn't need it as I would want to be thin.

My friend has lost over 12 kgs and I am so jealous and I should be happy for her as she is doing it.  I feel like because she has lost the weight that I have been cheated some how but really I have cheated myself so it is my fault.

I have gone back on the Weight Watcher online plan and have stayed consistently within my points for 6 days now.  WW have these blue dots on the days that you have kept within the points range and I have done that for 6 days and it feels good.

Tuesday 25 April 2017 my weight was 144 kgs (316.8 pounds) and by next Tuesday for my weigh in I want to be 143.3 (315.26 pounds) or less.  700 grams a week will get me to the goal I want as I realistically I can't lose more than that every single week as my body even when I am being right on track just doesn't do that every week.

I want to try.... I want to be happy in my skin again.

Today's weigh in was 133.1 kgs (which is fantastic but I also know it isn't Tuesday yet so I might not be this weight then.  (900 grams is great for me)

Got up late this morning 10.30 as it is Sunday and felt rotten when I got up as I had bad dreams and my back and legs felt terrible when I awoke.  I hate that.  Being fat does that to me.

When I got downstairs I had a Facebook chat from a workmate asking if I wanted to go to a funeral of our workmates mother and I had to say yes.  I would want people to support me if something happened to my family.  It was a interesting funeral (Tangi in Maori) as I didn't understand a word they had said at the Tangi but it was beautiful the tradition that went on.  Our workmate was so happy to see us and I think a little surprised to see me as I am not working downstairs with them anymore but I still consider then my workmates and miss all terribly.  I love my job but don't trust the people upstairs like I trust the people downstairs in my old job.

There were lots of family and all happy to be with everyone there and just to be.  To eat food and drink tea and just be in the time and space they were in right now.

I would like life to be like that where we could just be and not worry about what others are thinking or saying.  I want to read a book by the fireplace and have a good wine.

So I need to make sure I type in here every day and keep myself accountable.

I know that people may never read this but I need to get it out as before when I lost a lot of weight I found it helpful to get it off my chest.

Trying to

I am trying to just be in the weekends.

My job is so stressful and my youngest son complains about how much time I spend there and then when I am home I do work that I am trying my hardest to not do work from home.

I just can't keep still.

You would think that I would be skinny because I always have to have my mind going.  I have taken up crocheting (yeah I know I sound like an old lady but I am only 46 years old and it keeps me off the computer)

It has been working for my anxiety as I used to worry and worry about things but in the last month with crocheting and keeping my mind off work it has done wonders for my anxiety.

I work with about 14 woman and some of them can be the bitchiest ladies I have met in my life.  Some are really lovely but some I just wish they would try to see the good in people instead of being cows and bitching about people (yeah I know I am bitching about them but....) they go out of their way to make peoples lives horrible.  One in particular has gotten rid of a lot of her Managers and others because she doesn't like one thing about them.  This one in particular though has no life other than work so she tries to control everything.  I don't trust a word that comes out of her mouth.

I hate that I can't trust the people I work with.  In this organisation I have worked in another group and I loved working with them as they care about the people around them.

Why are people like this?  I have wanted to quit so many times but I love my job and the company and the big big boss actually does care what happens to certain parts of this company and the good things he does is amazing.

I suppose that any company will have these sorts of people. and I have to just deal but sometimes it is just so hard.

You have to be the right size and the right other things to make it anywhere there and I hate that.

So now I have that off my chest.

Dyed my hair today and had a long long hot spa bath and face mask and feel really good about it.  When I lost 42 kgs last time I used to make it a habit to have a pampering day once a week and it was great but gave that up and I do think that I was a fool to stop them.

Not sure about my hair colour this time.  I thought it was going to be a dark chocolate colour but it turned out black arghhhhh but my hubby and 18 year old son said that it wasn't really that bad but I am not sure.  It is quite dark for me.

Sick of being fat

I am so sick of being fat and have started weight watchers again and hubby is helping me with us doing a short-term goal.

This is my short/medium term goal as a step towards my big goal of weighing less than 100 kg.

This goal will take me halfway there. As part of this goal's wind-up process, we will take our learning's from this goal and use them to set up the next phase.

·         My weight is 144 kg on the 25 April 2017.

      ·         By Xmas 2017 I will lose 22 kilos and weigh 122 kg.

      ·         This means losing an average of 680 grams per week for the 8 months.

This is an achievable amount, but will require commitment from both me and hubby.

We will achieve this goal with 3 simple techniques:

·         Plan - what we eat before we eat it, and what exercise we will do

·         Point - Use the WW app to track everything Mandy eats

·         Move - for at least 30 minutes, or 6000 steps a day.

·          

For accountability, weigh day will be Tuesday morning.

To reward me along the way, we will define milestones and rewards for hitting each one. I will not receive the reward until the milestone is achieved on the official chart.

·         Milestone 1: Say goodbye to the 40's. When I get below 140 kg she will get a charm bracelet with her first charm.

·         Milestone 2: 135kg A new charm and a new pair of nice earrings.

·         Milestone 3: 130kg A new charm and a Lovisa necklace.

·         Milestone 4: 125kg A new charm and a new outfit - top and pants.

·         Milestone 5: GOAL!!! when I weigh 122 kg. A new charm and a romantic weekend away with the husband of your choice. 

So, I am going to try these steps and get this weight off.

Will you be my support?

Weight today: 144.2 (317.2 lbs)  - Loss of 800 grams (1.8 lbs)

I am sick of letting myself down.

Why can't i get my head in to this.  I want to feel healthy and happier but I can't seem to get myself to do it.  I sabotage myself.

I need to work out how to fix my head.

I started back on the online weight watchers again.

I want to feel happy again.  I am scared.  So scared to blog though.  I let it all out years ago in my other blog and had so many followers and I lost a lot but then one person ruined it for me.  Or I let the person ruin it for me.

I also lost the weight when I was working part time.  I am working 40 hours a week and travel a lot for work that it is a whole different story.

I keep on making excuses for everything.  I used to go to the gym and be in a group that met twice a week.  I used to blog every day and I had lots of blogger friends and felt like my world was fantastic and then it all went to custard and now I am scared to blog and I have put on most of the weight I lost.

I realise I need to lose this weight.
I realise I need to have support.
I realise I have to stop eating junk
I realise I have to track my food
I realise I have to do exercise
I realise I need to support in return.

I realise that it is me stopping me.

I need a support friend..... anyone want to be mine?

WEIGH IN - sunday 25 September 2016

Starting weight today: 145 kgs (319 lbs)
...............................................................................................
1st Goal: 140 kgs (308 lbs)
2nd Goal: 135 kgs (297 lbs)
3rd Goal: 130 kgs (286 lbs)
4th Goal: 125 kgs (275 lbs)
5th Goal: 120 kgs (264 lbs)
6th Goal: 115 kgs (253 lbs)
7th Goal: 110 kgs (242 lbs)
8th Goal: 105 kgs (231 lbs)
9th Goal: 100 kgs (220 lbs)
10th Goal: 95 kgs (209 lbs)

Going to try

Going to try and see how many days I can make it doing some form of exercise every day.

So far the streak has been 2 days.

I am feeling quite good about this.

Been working the last week away from home so getting the exercise has been difficult.  But I can make a walk for 30 minutes anywhere if I only try.

I hate exercise.  But I need to do this.

I am even trying not to have too much food.  I am not giving up everything but I am cutting down and being aware of what I am eating.

Night night

Weigh In

Weigh in - Wednesday 29 June 2016

Starting weight today: 144 kgs (316.8 lbs)
...............................................................................................
1st Goal: 140 kgs (305.8 lbs)
2nd Goal: 135 kgs (297 lbs)
3rd Goal: 130 kgs (286 lbs)
4th Goal: 125 kgs (275 lbs)
5th Goal: 120 kgs (264 lbs)
6th Goal: 115 kgs (253 lbs)
7th Goal: 110 kgs (242 lbs)
8th Goal: 105 kgs (231 lbs)
9th Goal: 100 kgs (220 lbs)
10th Goal: 95 kgs (209 lbs)

I am ok with that weight.  I have come back blogging and usually put my highest weight and that I had lost 42 kgs (92 lbs) and then go yoyoing and I can't do that anymore.

I need to take the weight I am from now.  That is my weight and now I have to get this weight off.

Work grrrr why do I hate it so much at the moment.  I travel a lot and I also work in an office with people that are so two faced it does my head in.  One of the managers there (not mine thank god) is moaning to everyone about everyone... you can't trust her with anything and she knows everyone in her town.  Oh she does my head in.

I just want to go to work and work along with people to make this the best place and I have to deal with people like her.  The rest of the team is great.

Positives of the day:

• I got so much work done today as finally I read something that said I don't have to be a yes person.  So today I tried the word NO (saying No I can't right now but maybe later).  Felt better for it.
• Decided the nasty manager wasn't going to get my attention today.  If she wanted to ask me something I would but I would walk away if she was going to bitch and moan as I am not getting in to it.  Felt great
• Went to lunch with hubby

LuckyMama thanks for the comment....yep yep yep I am a volume eater for sure.... gotta get out of that habit lol.

Thanks for reading :-)

Hard work

Hard to work out what to do about my weight.

I want to lose weight but my head for some reason doesn't want to.

Is it because I then can't eat what I want or is it because I am lazy or is it because the first time around it was hard and took a while so it might be this again

First time around blogging helped me so much and then it got ruined and I didn't have the outlet anymore.

I need the support and I also need to support in return so I am back.

Today was a good day food wise and I tried hard not to drink or eat anything bad.  I felt good about the food.

I didn't get enough exercise today though.  I was focusing on getting the food down today.

Food is my problem.  I think it is the portion size not that I eat chocolate or chips or cheese etc it is the meat portion side and the carb portions that kill me.

I am going to try and blog here every day and get it out so I can get on with my life.

Work was ok today.  I felt angry all day about one of the ladies I work with and so I kept to myself.  I am sick of her moaning about everyone to me and it was just doing my head in.  She is a manager and she should not be doing that.  Tired of her doing that.  I wanted to keep out of her way and do my job.  Thank god she is not my manager.